Losing a friend but gaining childhood memories

Today a life-long friend lost her life in an ATV accident.  A normal everyday routine activity and then "poof" she's gone.  The details are not important.  All that matters is she's gone to a better place.

She and her husband met my family at the First Baptist Church in Aledo, Illinois when I must have been in kindergarten almost 40 years ago.  Her and her husband became very close friends with my parents.  Our families along with other families from church spent alot of evenings together in back yards surrounded by corn fields, lightning bugs, summer breezes and lots of laughter.

One memory that I always think about is a camping trip to Greenlake, Wisconsin for a church retreat. I was very young, about 8 years old.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  We had campers next to each other and us kids would go off with our bikes and explore the grounds and go swimming. One day it rained so hard we couldn't go anywhere and we were stuck in our pop-up camper all day.
In the winter I remember sledding parties and potlucks at church and christmas eve candle light services.  I don't even know if I saw them there but that's the kind of memories that float to the surface.

Her husband stored my car for me in their machine shed while I was at basic training.  A couple years back they threw my mom a 60th birthday party at their lake behind their farm.  My mom and dad were one of the first people called when the accident happened yesterday.  Mom and dad immediatley drove to our friend's house, grabbed some clothes and a wallet for her husband and drove to be by their side.

She and her husband were very devoted christians.  The were a positive influence and I never heard either one say a bad word about anyone.  She was hilarious as well.  She was very independent, took no shit from anyone and always took care of her husband and family.  Everyone in town knew them and she was well loved.

I only get back to Aledo once or twice a year.  I swear almost every time I return for a visit I run into her and her husband some where in town.  I alway get a hug and then asked how everything in my life is going.  I'm not looking forward to the next time when I see just her husband. I won't know what to say.

It's funny how we live life not remembering things from out past until we lose someone who was in so many of those memories.  Since I heard the news of her passing all of a sudden these obscure childhood memories start flickering in my mind and I start to re-live all those forgotten moments that meant so much.  It also reminds me that you don't know when you time is coming, even doing the most routine everyday chore can be your last.

Cleanse Yourself of Cleansing

Cleanse Yourself of Cleansing

I've been reading a lot lately about different fad diets because it's that time of the year when people go overboard and try to lose as much holiday weight as possible in the quickest amount of time. People ask me all the time which is the best diet to do. My answer is always "none of them."  If it's something that you can't stick to for every day for the rest of your life, it's not a good idea.  Really fit, healthy people eat "clean." That means fruits, vegetable, lean meat and NO SUGAR. That is something you can do everyday for the rest of your life.  You can not do a cleanse everyday and Atkins is not smart either.  Cut out sugar and you will lose 10 pounds quickly just from the shock your body is going through not storing sugar.

CLEANSES

Cleanses are one of the biggest rip-offs in the billion dollar weight-loss industry.  Cleanses do nothing but make you pee alot. Your liver and kidneys do a good enough job screening out impurities in your body. When you drink a cleans you are basically starving yourself. You're losing water weight not fat.  When you starve yourself you will lose weight but not body fat. If you're not feeding your body food, your body will hold onto it's fat stores for energy.  In the mean time your muscle mass is slowing melting away because you're not feeding the muscle what it needs. 

SKINNY FAT

"Skinny fat" is what I refer to people, mostly women, who look thin and beautiful on the outside.  They can wear anything they want and it seems they just have great genetics.  But if you squeeze an arm on one of those girls it will feel soft and squishy.  

I had a close friend who was 5'2", 98 lbs, very petit and looked like a Barbie Doll.  One of the most beautiful women I've ever seen.  She was a size zero.  She asked me one day to test her bodyfat percentage and it was 32%.  For women, anything over 32% is considered clinically obese.  From the outside she looks like she might be 13%. This goes to show you that the size of a person doesn't necessarily correspond to the bodyfat percentagte. Needless to say she started resistance training the next day.

The difference between losing weight and body fat is the key to losing unwanted pounds.  The first problem is that we should never refer to losing weight as "losing weight!"  We should be saying "bodyfat lose" or "losing bodyfat."  Saying the word "weight" is deceiving.  

You can change your physical body weight many times throught the day just as you can also gain it during the day.  You can eat a huge lunch and gain physical weight, a pound or two.  A few hours later you can use the toilet and poop out those same two pounds. Losing weight does not mean you're losing fat.  It just means you are losing muscle mass and not fat.

Losing bodyfat is what you want to do.  Sure you can weigh yourself if you want but if you are doing resistance training (weights) in your workouts then you will build muscle.  Muscle weighs more than fat.  You can lose inches and bodyfat but may not change your physcial weight.  The bodyfat coming off is negated by the muscle added to your body.  A professional football player may weigh 220 pounds but he has 10% bodyfat.  Building muscle burns fat.

So now that you're on that track to slim down, stop losing weight and start losing bodyfat instead.  Don't even weigh yourself. When someone asks you how much weight you've lost, you say, " I've lost 5% bodyfat." It will make your feel great and sound like you know what the hell you're doing!!

YOUR SCALE IS LYING: the truth about BMI.  Below the picture is a link to a great article on the BMI and your scale.

http://josefbrandenburg.com/the-scales-can-lie-–-how-you-can-be-normal-weight-yet-obese/

RECOGNIZING FAD DIETS

The except below is from an article in the "GIG HARBOR LIFE" publication.

Yes, losing weight can be a daunting task - which explains the appeal of programs that promise to make weight loss easy. But all too often, fad diets result not only in regaining lost pounds, but in putting on extra weight as well. That's because safe, effective and, most importantly, long-term weight loss requires two important things:

• permanent changes in the way you eat
• making exercise a habit, not just something you do on the rare occasion that the mood strikes

And these are two things that many quick fixes fail to incorporate.

Here are some tips for recognizing a fad diet or weight loss gimmick:

• It promises unrealistic results. Safe weight loss means no more than 2 pounds per week. If you lose weight any faster than that, your body could compensate by slowing down the rate at which it burns calories, thereby slowing weight loss and even making it easier to gain weight after you return to your normal eating habits.
• It requires you to purchase special products, supplements, or foods. The foods you need to lose weight sensibly - a balance of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean meats, and lower-fat dairy products - are all available at the grocery store.
• It eliminates certain foods or even whole food groups entirely. By cutting out certain foods from your diet, you risk coming up short on all the vitamins and nutrients you need.
• It requires you to strictly follow a set plan. The less a diet plan takes into account your own personal likes and dislikes as well as your lifestyle, the less likely you are to stick to it. Any diet plan you follow should also account for your individual nutritional requirements, which can vary depending on age, activity level, and any medical conditions.

Here are some qualities of reliable diet plans:

• They incorporate exercise. Burning energy through exercise means you can achieve weight loss without having to cut the number of calories you consume as drastically. As well, studies have shown regular exercise is one of the biggest predictors of keeping the weight off.
• They make recommendations based on sound science. A safe weight-loss program makes its claims based on large-scale studies that have been reviewed by reputable health care professionals.
• They meet the USDA's daily recommended intakes. It's important to make sure you are getting all the protein, vitamins, and minerals you need. Because it can be difficult to meet your targets while restricting calories, your doctor or dietitian may recommend supplements.
• They include plans for maintenance. Your program should help you form the habits you need to make your weight-loss long term. Remember, healthy eating is a way of life - not just a two-week plan.

Read more: http://health.kitsapsun.com/healthfeature.aspx?id=1814#ixzz2ozjl2cwm 
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Resolve to Dissolve your Resoluions

You've been stuffing your face since Halloween.  Don't Deny it.  Now it's almost 2014 and you have decided to make a New Year's resolution...again...to lose weight....again.

Well there is a reason why people quit trying after a short period of time. 

Four out of five people who make New Year’s resolutions tonight will eventually break them. In fact, a third won’t even make it to the end of January.

Nearly 40 percent of those surveyed attribute breaking their resolutions to having too many other things to do, while 33 percent say they simply aren’t committed to the resolutions they set. But experts say the real problem is that people make the wrong resolutions. The typical resolution often reflects a general desire, rather than a specific goal. Read more on this at  http://well.blogs.nytimes.com

Here is a list of 5 mistakes people make when they try to lose weight from the website: 

http://www.mindbodygreen.com

Changing your diet and losing weight isn’t rocket science, but it’s not always as simple as people think. Here are the top mistakes that I see with my clients, and some simple fixes to get things back on track.

1. They pledge to eat "healthy." 

While this sounds great, it’s not enough. "Healthy" is vague, and it's different for everyone. Eating organic, for instance, seems healthy, but organic brownies and burritos can be easy ways to overeat and derail your progress.

Instead, have a plan! Some rules can seem arbitrary and strict, but without guidelines, it’s hard to succeed or make progress. Choose a plan that makes sense to you, and follow it.

2. They vow to eat less. 

"Eating less" is as arbitrary as "eating healthy," but even that’s not the problem. Our bodies are clever, and they’ll do what it takes to maintain weight. After all, body fat is survival fuel, and our bodies think we need it. When we go hungry, our bodies will subconsciously encourage us to eat more and move less, and we won’t even realize it.

Instead of guessing, use a food log! Writing down what you eat makes you aware of your choices, and much more likely to make good ones. It also gives you a record of what you’ve been eating, so you can make change course if you stop making progress.

3. They trust food labels. 

Terms like healthy, low-fat, whole grain, all-natural, Paleo, vegan, and organic are just some of the words that marketers put on their manufactured food products. They want to convince you that these foods will lead to weight loss, but it’s not true. Eat too much healthy food, and you’ll still gain weight.

Instead, eat 90% label free. Meat, eggs, poultry, fish, vegetables, and fruits are harder to over eat than most packaged foods, and don’t need ingredient labels and slogans. Label free foods should be the focus of every healthy diet.

4. They rely on cardio. 

We don’t know who first said “you can’t outrun a bad diet,” but it’s true! When you run, you get good at running, and your body adapts to it. Pretty soon, you're efficient enough to burn fewer calories. Eventually, your body will want you to eat more to support your exercise. Eventually, you’ll be hungry enough to eat just a little more without knowing it, and BAM, you’ve stopped losing weight!

Instead of chronic cardio, choose resistance training, which encourages your body to burn fat and support building muscle and bone. Weights, kettlebells, and bodyweight exercises are great for building the muscle and bone that we all know to be important.

Resistance training also burns calories now and later because of EPOC (excess post-exercise oxygen consumption) – the fancy term for the calories burned recovering from a workout. EPOC can burn extra calories hours or days after you’ve showered, dressed, and left the gym. Cardio can’t do that!

5. They take cheat days. 

On paper, a cheat day sounds reasonable. You’ve eaten under your calorie target all week, so you deserve the break, right? Unfortunately, studies show that most people misjudge their calorie intake by quite a bit.

Knowing that you have to burn an extra 3,500 calories to lose one pound of fat, most dieters shoot for a calorie deficit of up to 700 calories per day, which should lead to a pound or so of weight loss per week. Did you know that the typical dieter underestimates his daily intake by an average of 429 calories?

A cheat day can easily add 1,000 calories to your day, and completely wipe out your week’s progress. After months of not losing weight, most people will give up instead of playing this hunger game.

Instead of a cheat day, have a free meal. A reasonably sized "normal" meal or dessert. Enjoy it, then get right back on plan.

New Mental Health Law

Kathleen Sebelius announces new mental health parity requirements for health insurers

I have always said that if you want to curb mass shooting in the world the first thing to do it address mental health.  Look at almost every single mass shooting and there is usually someone with a mental illness behind the trigger.

Many of these people are either on the wrong meds, off their current meds or have no meds at all due to having no insurance. Hopefully with the Affordable Healthcare Act this will change.

My own experience was that before I had health insurance I had no access to meds let alone a diagnosis to get the meds.  I have been depressed at least since middle school.  My depression and anxiety grew worse and worse as time went on.  I did have medical coverage while on active duty in the Air Force but the stigma of mental illness was too great for me to take that chance of being kicked out, as if being gay weren't enough.

Years and years of not being diagnosed or treated for my mental illness caused strains at work, with my family and in my personal relationships.  I wasn't the person I should have been or the person I wanted to be.  I honestly feel that if I were diagnosed at a younger age things may be different for me.

Not that I'm not happy now but I feel a little "behind." I'm 43 and I feel that I should be more successful and fulfilled in my professional career.  Because of the bad choices I made in my 20's and I would even go as far as to say back as a teenager, I would be in different circumstances.  I am unfulfilled and I only wish for a time machine to go back to my teenaged self and slip him an Adderall.

Now I am playing catch-up.  I'm trying to make up for lost time and try to do all the things I never did and start working on things I want to do before I get too old to do them.



One last thing.  I'm so tired of "Obama Haters" who hate him so much that they will do anything to stop the Affordable Healthcare Act.  The fact that we had senate hearings to explain why too many people logging onto a website made it crash is beyond infantile and quite reprehensible.   If you are going to go so far as to say new healthcare legislation isn't going to work because the website sucks then please do some research to see what other websites failed during massive use.

7-Most-Stunning-Website-Failures-of-2011

Organic green eggs and ham, scammed I am.

Today Washington is voting on I-522, which would require the labeling of certain foods and seeds containing genetically modified organisms, or GMOs.

I voted no. 

I have my reasons for voting no.  

First off if it doesn't say "organic" on it and it's processed, assume it has GMO's. There is no need to spend extra money to label it so.  I have always assumed that if it's processed than it's probably not good for you.  

Second, I know from personal experience that most "organic" food is NOT organic.  It's impossible to grow that much food without using pesticides.  The U.S. Department of Agriculture only states the pesticides cannot be derived from unnatural sources.  Just because you don't use a Monsanto Pesticide doesn't mean you're organic. It just means you can charge double for your product.

I read this great article by Jared Mehre and he sites many studies that claim to say what I have said all along about organic food... that's it's a scam.  Here is a link to the article itself.

organic food the big scam

Basically studies have shown that organic food is no more nutritious than traditionally grown food. 

I understand that it does taste different but other than that, there is no difference.  

I liken this whole organic food debate to the Gluten-Free scam.  The only people who benefit from Gluten-Free are people who physically can not tolerate gluten, people who have Crohn's Disease for instance.  People with normal digestive function get no benefit what so ever from eating gluten-free food.  

People say "oh I feel so much better when I eat gluten-free." Yes you do.  It's because you're no longer eating crap that gluten is in like bread, cookies, baked goods.  If you stop eating crap, you feel better.

I love going into Whole Foods and Trader Joe's.  I like going in not for the "organic" food but they carry all kinds of items that you don't find in major box grocery stores.  

Easy Shopping Rule of Thumb: when you grocery shop, only shop the outside walls.  The isles are full of crap.  The walls are where the fruits, vegetables, dairy and meats are.  Everything in the middle is processed.  If you care about that stuff than that's the best thing for you.  

So if you really think you need "organic" food, go ahead and spend the extra money for it.  It's not anymore nutritious for you but at least you're keeping Whole Foods in the black.

Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.

It's been a long time since I last posted.  I've so busy and now I understand how hard it is for bloggers to keep up on their blogs. I've had a cervical spine fusion that has hampered me from going to the gym as often as I'd like.  I'm still working on finding something I can do without injuring myself.

I just had two weeks of training for my new job.  I had to go to New Jersey and push through a very very stressful two weeks.  I had no time to workout.  I ate like shit and I gained alot of weight.  To top it off I got sick like I always do at the end of a training session.

I was home for about 5 days after training when we decided to go to London for 6 days.  Yes I flew while sick.  Yes I become more sick while in London.  Yes I now have bronchitis.

Every time I come back from trips to Europe I always go through a phase where I think I need to really slim down.  I think I'm in pretty good shape until I go to Europe.  The English are all so thin and wear the most stylish clothes.  All really well designed clothes are made for rail thin people.  For once I would love to be able to go into Banana Republic or J.Crew and wear anything they sell.  Their clothes are cut european slim fit.

Piccadilly Circus

One thing to remember as well is that all Europeans smoke.  They smoke and they walk every where. Their Tube system is amazing.  No one really needs a car if they live in London proper.  Other than smoking and walking I counted only 3 McDonald's restaurants in the whole city.  Other than that I say NO fast food.  I did see tons of little shopping markets with fresh fruits, vegetables and homemade sandwiches.







The English eat a light breakfast, stop on their way to work, walking to work, and pick up a sandwich  at a corner market and then shop for fresh food on their way home. The French do this as well.  I know that smoking has alot to do with it as well.  Smoking keeps you thin.  However, I'm not about to take that up.





I'm very very eager to get back into the gym.  I will be getting back into Yoga and spin classes soon.
We also have something called TRX.  It's a workout with straps and you use only bodyweight.  I think that might be the next new thing I try.

Anyway I'm on my sick bed.  I'm watching lots of American Horror Story and Walking Dead.  Resting up to his the ground running at the gym. 

Clickless Class Reunion

Well the 25th Class of 88 Reunion was Saturday night and it was so much fun.  I got to see all my friends from high school and I even talked to a bunch of people I hadn't even talked to K-12 just because I never had classes with them or we were just in different clicks.

One thing I've noticed this past weekend is that 25 must be the magic year.  Most people had forgotten about any high school grudges, conflicts and any fights over old boyfriends or girlfriends.  I think we are all at the age that things like that just don't seem to matter anymore. It was all about catching up, seeing pictures of kids, reliving old memories and thinking about those that could not make it.

I have a crowd anxiety issue.  I developed it in the past couple of years.  I didn't have any of those issues this past weekend but I'm sure it's because I knew everyone in the place.  One really neat thing that happened is that I learned some people from back home are reading this blog and commented to me about issues some relatives have had with depression, anxiety amd ADHD .  It really does help to know that you aren't the only person having these issues.  It brings comfort being able to talk to someone openly who understands what they are going through.  It made me realize that I need to keep up on this blog a little better.

With every high school reunion there will always be that one person that you can't bring yourself to talk to because of what ever issues you had with them in high school. In my case there was someone I couldn't talk to because of issues that arose from a past reunion.  Reunions right after high school are the worst because people haven't forgotten past hurts and it's easy to still hold a grudge.  This particular person said something to me that is still hard to over come but I'm working on it.

My bully didn't show up this year and I guess that's ok.  While I would have been cordial and polite there are still parts of me that want to tell this person how much the bullying really screwed me up.  I guess since I'm older and have gotten help for all those years of bullying, there is really no point in drudging up past transgressions.  Most people change.  Some don't.  I can only hope this person has changed.

If you are the type of person who revels in catching up with old friends than I suggest going to your class reunions.  If you're the type that would like to see old freinds but still hold alot of grudges than I suggest going but just keeping you thoughts to yourself.  People are there to have a good time and catch up.  Like I said to someone who wasn't going because of something that someone said to them in the fall of 1986, "Well I'm 42.  I'm going to go and have fun.  I'll catch up with you later."

Reunited cuz if feels so good...

This weekend is my 25th High School Class Reunion.  It's so hard to believe I'm 42. Remember when you were 16 and you thought 30 was so, so old?  I thought 40 must be ancient.  

I grew up with young parents.  My mom and dad were in their 30's when I was in high school. I guess that's why 30 seemed to sold to me.  After all, aren't all our parents old and grumpy when we're 16?

I've heard alot of people dread their class reunions.  I've also heard that by the time you get here to 25 years, everyone seems to have grown out of their "clicks" and have stopped trying to impress each other.  Well, not me.  I mean I like to stay in shape an all but I have to say I worked out extra hard in the last few weeks.  I was still recovering from neck surgery and I was in that stinking gym.  

I also worked out hard because I found out something about myself.  I need a target.  I need a target day or week or year to strive for or else I won't do it.  If I know I have some place to be, or something to do for acting or going on vacation, I will hit the gym and hit it hard!

42 really snuck up on me.  I think it's because I don't feel 42.  I feel more like 32.  Hell, even 22 but then that's probably because I really just a big kid.  I have dogs because I probably couldn't take care of a kid.  If you forget to feed the dog, you can just feed him later.  I hear kids like to eat.  And more than once a day.  

I'm sure this reunion will be a blast.  I'm looking forward to seeing tons of people I haven't seen in a very long time.  I think I'm going to have to break my bed time of 11:00.  God I'm getting old.

Ding Dong DOMA's Dead

OH MY GOD!!!  I'm just overwhelmed with happiness and gratitude that today, June 26, 2013, we have prevailed over DOMA and Prop 8.  It's official and it's about time.  The days of conservative, theocratic laws dictating how I live my life and who I share my life with are OVER!

Just 38 more states to go and every one will be equal through out the country.  They will fall quickly because what we are about to see is court case after court case of gays and lesbians sueing their respective states that don't allow gay marriage and don't recognize gay marriages from states that allow it.  One by one they will fall and will be dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century.

Starting immediately the military will begin work to allow same sex benefits to members that serve. I never thought I would ever see the day.  Not in my life time. Maybe not for another generation.  It's happened now and it really feels good.

Being told all your life that you are less than, that you don't matter, that your relationships aren't valid, all those years of watching parents treat the gay kid different then their straight siblings, constantly being reminded that you're second class and that nothing you do or say matters, it wasn't all for nothing.
Suddenly everything seems a little more brighter up ahead.  Just the fact that I don't have to worry about anything if something should happen to me or him.  It really takes a weight off my shoulders.

It sure seems awful for people who don't understand and probably will never understand.  Just know that it's all alright.  It's ok.  Change is good.  Progress is good.  You will benefit, believe it or not, from my happiness and my rights being given to me.  It's only a good thing.  You're brimstone and fire will eventually burn out and you won't even remember what the heck the problem was.

Driver

Yah! My latest commercial finally aired last week.  It's from the Washington State Lottery.  

It was a blast to do and I got to drive a Nascar....for about 20 yards.  I was supposed to drive it further but I guess the owner didn't appreciate me burning out is clutch.  Oh I know how to drive a stick.  However, have you ever driven a Nascar?  It's not anything like driving a regular car.  I have a new found respect for Nascar drivers.  Not enough respect to actually waste time watching a race but enough to appreciate how they can actually drive one of those things.  #noteasy 

It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A

Today was my first "workout" since my surgery on May 22.  I put workout in quotation marks because I did 20 minutes of cardio on a recumbent bike at the YMCA.  Not just any recumbent bike mind you.  A recumbent bike with cable TV built into it.  Thank. God.

I've gained alot of weight in the past month.  Too much Costco vanilla ice cream.  Hey don't judge me! I couldn't swallow anything for the first week.  The other three weeks was just a "weaning off" period.

Doing time on the recumbent bike made me remember why I HATE cardio machines.  I mean you're not going anywhere.  The scenery never changes.  People never wipe down the machines when they're through so it's a guessing game on whether or not your machine is a petri dish of creepy, crawly bacteria. I wipe it down before AND after thank you very much.

Until I am back in the land of the living and out running on the streets and half-marathons, I am a slave to the dreaded recumbent bike or elliptical machine.  The only saving grace is the TV.  If there is anything decent on, time seems to just fly by.  There are times though that I think there must be a secret plot to brainwash me into watching FOX NEWS. I say this because sometimes it the one of the only channels that work.  It is the YMCA after all, Young Men's Christian Organization.  Do you know how many people don't know that's what YMCA stands for?  You would be surprised.

 Recently the YMCA changed there name to just simply The Y.  What am I working out at the Young? What does the Y stand for if it's not Young? Yo-Yo? I mean that would work for "yo-yo dieters.  Yuck? As in, "yuck I hate to workout!"  WAIT!  It must stand for YOGA!  Now that makes me feel a whole lot better about going to workout at a place where they are trying to hide their politics in order to sign more members.  Bravo Y!





I know I'm ranting.  Ranting is what I do when I've been cooped up for 4 weeks with a hot, nasty neck brace on that feels like a wool scarf in the middle of August.

I'm just happy I get to start getting back in the gym and losing this recovery weight.  My goal is to be below 185 my the end of July.  The end of July you ask?  Why its my 25th class reunion of course.  Vanity.  Such a great motivator.

Wait for it ladies.  Someday.

I worry I worry too much about worrying.

The one thing I have learned over the past year since I came out of the "depression closet" is the number of people who are afflicted with the same depression issues that I have been having.

I'm not talking about being sad or depressed because you lost your pet or you got fired or maybe ended a relationship.  I'm talking about clinical depression.  The kind that, even on my happiest "up day," I'm still hiding behind a mask where I am holding back tears, fears and sadness.

I've started going to a psychologist who treats anxiety.  She told me that when ever I'm with her in session, I need to not have my mask on.  She wants to see the real me and not the happy mask I wear when I'm out and about.  I'm pretty serious about trying to get help so I'm good about letting my guard down around her.  I'm positive that's the reason why I'm an actor.  I'm more comfortable playing someone else than being myself.

The amount of people I see and meet on a daily basis who also struggle with clinical depression and anxiety always surprises me.  For the most part I can actually tell from meeting someone.  From time to time I meet someone who is suffering from anxiety that I had no idea was.  It's kind of like when I see or meet another gay guy for the first time.  Sometimes I meet a "hundred footer." That is someone who is very flamboyant, stereotypical and I can usually spot them from a one hundred feet away.  Sometimes there are the ones that are not a stereotype and I would have never known they were gay had it not come up in conversation.

I have friends and family who have the same issues I have and have found a comfort in talking to them because I know exactly what they are going through.  It always helps to talk to someone who has been in your shoes.

My anxiety issues are slowly coming to the surface.  I have never really considered what I have as an anxiety disorder simply because I've never known anyone, who I knew, had it.  My anxiety seems to stem from my childhood (like everything seems to) and I'm just now realizing it.  I'm not a victim.  I don't like that term.  I don't even like the term "survivor." Shit happens.  Shit happens to you in life and it's how you deal with that shit that determines what will happen to you in the rest of your life.

Some people turn to religion to get them through life's crap.  Some people turn to other people.  Some turn to drugs or alcohol.  I envy the ones that can just take crap, throw it aside and move to a higher plane.  To each his own I say.  If religion helps you, so be it.  If you need to turn to a loved one or a counselor, fine.  Whatever you need to do to get through life's trials by all mean, what works for you, works.  Just know that if you turn to negative alternatives, i.e. drugs, alcohol, porn, anger, rage or creating drama, just know the choices you make directly affect what will happen next.  It affects your family, friends and co-workers.  The situation you are in today is a direct correlation of the decisions you made yesterday.

I made really bad choices growing up and blames everyone else.  I grew up religious and could never really grasp the notion that it could help me.  I had to find something else that made me sit up and  really see.  For everyone it's different.

I'm seeing a shrink and a psychiatrist because that's what works for me.  Working on my issues with someones else and taking meds that help me get to where i need to be works for me. Find what works for you.  Find what makes you comfortable.  Find what makes you want to be a better person.  Find it and stick with it.

Can't wait to not fart in yoga class.

Pathetic Me

What a beautiful day!  Thanks to Kathy and Sharon for taking me to lunch at Nedshed #9.  It was really good.  The weather was beautiful.  The company was great.   I felt like shit.  I sat in the sun for an hour and that probably was the culprit.

This pic pretty much sums up the way I feel today, almost 2 weeks post neck surgery.  I've used up my pain meds and now I'm running on muscle relaxers and Lunesta. Tomorrow is my 2 week post-op follow up.  I don't know where I stand but all I know is that is sucks.

The pain is centered between my shoulder blades and lower neck.  I can't wait until I can have a good night sleep without this damn collar.

Good news is that I am so ready to get back to exercising.  I miss doing yoga so much.  I feel like I will starting from scratch and won't know what the hell I'm doing.  Keeping a fart in during class will be the easiest part of that hour.

I MISS RUNNING!!! It's June and the weather is being spectacular. High of 72 and blue sky.  I see people running and riding their bikes along the road and I want to open my door and take em out. Not kill, just maim.

Ok, these meds are making me a little nuts...or maybe it's a lack there of that's making me nuts.

Whatever it is I plead the 5th.

Those were the days

Another staple from my childhood is gone, no pun intended.  Jean Stapleton died today at age 90.  One more thing to let me know, "Gee I'm old."

ALL IN THE FAMILY, w

Boy the way Glen Miller played 

Songs that made the hit parade. 

Guys like us we had it made, 

Those were the days. 

And you knew who you were then, 

Girls were girls and men were men, 

Mister we could use a man 

Like Herbert Hoover again. 

Didn't need no welfare state,

Everybody pulled his weight. 

Gee our old LaSalle ran great. 

Those were the days.

My life in 3D HD

Week 1 Post-Op

Well it's been one week since my surgery.  I've already cut back on my pain medication and am starting feel much better.  I'm at the point where I really hate this neck brace and I want it off.  However, I know that if I do I may screw up my neck so I have to just power through it.

One thing I've found helps with my recovery is to go out and buy a 60" 3D LED/LCD flat screen Telly. Trust me it makes recovery much more tolerable. The is nothing like watching all 6 Star Wars movies in HD and the Avengers in HD 3D to take your mind off a fused cervical spine.

I'm also planning my return to the world of fitness.  I can't wait to start yoga classes again. I long for my running shoes and my 5 miles runs with my running partner. Nothing like sitting on your ass for a week that really puts everything back into perspective.

I have such a screwed up spine that I really need to take better care of it.  I'm only 42 and I have too many years left to enjoy, I can't afford to become a cripple when I know i can stop it.

For now it's time to heal up and watch The Lord of the Rings trilogy on a huge HD tv.

I'd rather be doing math right now

Day 3 Recovery
WARNING: I'm so high right now on pain killers.....

I tried to go for a walk today.  I walked for about 20 minutes before I started floating above my body.  I thought I could go longer but it's not in the cards.  I have to remember to go slow with this recovery.

I'm on oxycontin and it is pure amazing.   Takes the pain away and makes me sleep. Sleep is the best thing in the world.   I wish I could sleep for a living.  If I could get paid to do nothing but sleep I would be CEO of Sleep, Inc.  I would be the most successful sleeper in history.  Sleep = good.

Here is one thing I hate.  I keep snoring.  My throat is so swelled that not only is it hard to swallow but it causes me to snore.  The snoring is so bad that it wakes me up from my drug induced comas.  I don't like snoring.  Snore = Bad.

Did I mention I haven't pooped in 4 days?! I have to take a stool softener with my morning oxycontin but so far I'm running on empty.  An empty toilet that is.  Poop = good.

I'm peeing my brains out too.  The only good thing about this is that at least I'm hydrated.

My dogs think I'm their own personal couch pillow.  Dogs = Heavy

This collar is bugging the shit out of me.  It's constricting and makes it hard to eat and drink.  Collar = bad.

One thing I do like about the collar is that when my shirt is on it makes my traps look huge!  Like some kind of Hulk. Makes me want to do shurgs when I'm healed up.  Collar = Hulk

Ghost of Fitness Past

Day 2 of disc fusion surgery recovery.

It's very hard to swallow anything that's not liquid.  Ice cream is now my main source of nutrients.

The collar I have to wear 24/7 makes it very hard to sleep or be comfortable.

Upon my release of the hospital yesterday, my surgeon came up to let me know how the surgery went. He said, "Your spine was spectacularly bad. I don't know how your spine got this bad when your this young."  I chalk it up to years and years of lifting weights.

I'm not saying lifting weights is a bad thing.  The bad thing is how you lift and how heavy you're lifting.

Public Enemy #1: Placing the squat bar on the back of my neck.

For years and years I did it that way until I found out it was wrong.  By then it was to late.  The damage was already done.  

Public Enemy #2:trying to be a macho, macho man.  In my 20's and early 30's I just wanted to look good and be big, as in really muscular.  The problem is I didn't see the long term affects of lifting such crazy heavy weight for most of my adult life.  I looked good but ignored any pain or injury I might have been feeling at the time.  I just thought I could push through it and it would go away.  

News Flash! It almost never "goes away." An injury that goes unchecked is an injury that will always come back and usually it comes back when you get older.  The older you get the harder it is to recover from these injuries.  

This is your future if you keep lifting stupid amounts of weight and you are not a professional athlete.  

Brace yourself!

Cervical Fusion Surgery

After months of burning, numbing pain in my right shoulder and arm, I am having three discs in my cervical spine fused.  As you can see from the pic and link above, they go through the front of the neck to get to the discs.  Funny, I'm not so much worried about the spine being toyed with as I am with a scar on my throat.  Vanity.  That's it, plain and simple.

I'm not a movie star or anything but I still count on my looks for making extra money as an actor.  I don't mean to say that I'm Ryan Gosling but I definitely don't need a scar on my neck unless I can get roles playing a car crash victim or a thug.  I guess it never hurt Harrison Ford's career or even Owen Wilson with that weird broken nose thing he has going on.

Back to the surgery.  I have two weeks recovery and an addition 6 weeks of wearing a collar. No not a dog collar but it might as well be.  Maybe I can just wear my dog's cone.  It's not that bad though.  I join the ranks of some pretty elite people who have donned the neck brace. I'll feel like a celebrity.

Kristin Chenoweth after being hit on the head on set with a light.

Chris Brown after his neck gives out after trying to hold up his inflated ego.

The Situation.  Not explanation needed.

Rosie Perez...have no idea but I like her.

Snookie...Hmmm...tanning bed lid incident?

Willow Smith.  That's what you get when you whip your hair back and forth.

I will definitely post pics of me in my new fashion accessory.  A friend of mine asked me yesterday if I will be wearing my brace to the opening showing of Man of Steel?  If it's a Superman movie, I will go in full body cast.

Happy Addiversary!

Happy Addiversary!

Today is exactly one year since I started my adderal induced, anti-depression, anti-anxiety, anti-asshole medication.  

Much has happened in the past year as far as dealing with my mental issues, my job and my future plans.  It's amazing what seeing things in a new light can do for my decision making process.  Things that seemed important to me before don't seem so now while other things that weren't important before are much more important to me now.

After first taking my Adderal and other assorted meds I found a new desire to do more things outside.  Before I would literally sit around all day on the couch and watch tons and tons of TV.  I would sleep in until noon and then stay up all night until two in the morning.  It was so hard to get out of the house to go to work.  I didn't want to see my friends.  I didn't want to exercise.  

Since last May I have taken up yoga and even got certified to teach.  I have ran 2 half marathons, a couple of 12k's and have another half marathon this coming Sunday.  I bought a kayak last summer and tried to get it out on the water 3-4 times a week.  My lower back issues went away with the yoga practice and I became alot more fun to be around.

However, in the last couple of months it has been difficult to maintain this new found mental stability.  The meds have had to be altered a couple of times to combat building up an immunity to them.  I found that if there was extra stress in my life that they seemed to weaken.  Certain people can set off anxiety and I can fall back into a depression. 

In the last month I have developed a serious stenosis problem in my cervical vertebrae and surgery is imminent.  The pain is excruciating and trying to cope with every day life is becoming more and more difficult.  My anxiety level is at an all time high which causes more pain and tightness in my neck and shoulders.  To top it off, my job will be laying me off soon and so there is that added stress.

It may seem bleak but actually it has made me able to realize when I need to relax and maybe even stay away from crowds of people.  Because my mind is more clear I can recognize when my meds are not working and I can tell myself it will be ok and just let it go until they kick back in.

My decision making process has been great up until the last couple of weeks.  I've been making incredibly stupid choices and not thinking about the long term consequences of my actions.  I've started to tune people out as well. I don't mean to but I don't even know when I'm doing it until I fail to follow instructions or any important information that I need to know.  I've missed conference calls for work and just plain missed appointments.

My new strategy is to find a counselor to talk about my anxiety issues.  I think the combination of meds and counseling will help me get through all this crap that is seeping into my psyche.  

Although the last few months have been tough, I'm going to call the last year a success.  I recognize the issues I have and also how to deal with them.  Let's hope year two will be just as insightful. 

May Day! May Day!

Happy May Day...

Two more days until my one year adderalversary.  So far things are looking pretty good.  I'm shooting a TV commercial for the Washington State Lottery.  It should be a small cash cow and get me through the summer after I get laid off.

When we were told that we were getting laid off I didn't really worry.  I just had a feeling something would pop up and sure enough it did.  I auditioned twice and landed a really nice gig.

On a little bit of a side note, my neck and arm are killing me!  I have an appointment next week for a consult with a neurosurgeon for surgery to fix my stenosis issue. I'm hoping he can get me in before this job ends and I still have insurance.

I would keep typing but my fucking arm hurts too much.

goodbye.

I won the lottery!!!

I feel like I just won the Lottery!

Ok, in a way I did win the Lottery.  I booked a Washington State Lottery commercial today and I am STOKED!  It's only a regional (Washington State only) commercial but I'll get residuals as long as it runs.  

I will be "Dan" the race car man.  I'm getting fit for my NASCAR uniform next week.  I'm not sure what the heck I will be doing but they did ask me if I could drive a stick.  Omg I'm playing Ricky Bobby...

I think I finally found the secret to success in auditioning.  The secret is to go in as if you just don't give a shit about anything.  I say this because that's what I felt like when I went in for the audition.  I was tired, depressed and in intense pain from the nerve issues I've been having.  Hell I didn't even primp in the mirror before the audition.

My lack of caring probably came off more relaxed and confident.  Sometimes you just never know what those Hollywood types are looking for.  Whatever it was, I had it.

The good thing is that this happened just a week after I found out my job will be ending soon.  I didn't give a shit about that either because I knew something would turn up and it did.  

Put out good energy and good energy comes back!

ps: I think I fixed the comment section of the blog.

All pain. No gain.

I recently find out I have Degenerative Disc Disease.  I've already had surgery to fix a ruptured disc in my lower back and now I have a bulging disc in my neck along with sever stenosis.

What does that feel like?  It feels like someone is constantly jabbing an ice pic into my shoulder over and over again all day long.  The neck pain radiates from my cervical spine, down my right shoulder, into my right arm and into my right hand.  My hand is constantly numb and tingling making it hard to drive or even sign my name.  My forearm feels like it is in a vice that is tightening more and more every day.  My tricep and bicep throb with pain.  It's not the most fun.

Solutions? I've had two cortisone injections that have not had any effect.  I've been in physical therapy for over a month which helps for a few hours and relieves some stress but the pain comes back after a while.  I tried massage and that had no help either.  I believe the next step is surgery.  From what I understand, the surgeon cuts in and burrows out the nerve canal to relieve stress on the nerve.

How does this affect someone with depression?  IT SUCKS.  The pain is so intense that coping with everyday life is a constant challenge.  The constant state of being uncomfortable makes me irritable, agitated, impatient and basically a real dick.

I've had to walk out of stores and other public places where I can't deal with the people around me.  Luckily I'm aware of when I'm starting to feel this way and can get out before I unintentionally lash out at whomever is in my path.  It makes me sound like a crazy person but I swear I'm not.

Right now as I type this I am constantly stopping to shake out my hand to get feeling back into my fingers.  Little things like finishing expense reports and answering emails has become so painful that at times I get nauseous.

The moral of the story?  I didn't know that pain can make one even more depressed than they already were.  Pain can actually turn off my depression and mood meds.  The depression can become so debilitating that I can't even cope with the simple things in life.  I even have lost patients with my dogs. What the hell can be worse than not being able to cope with the unconditional love of a dog??

I'm awaiting a return call from my neurosurgeon as to what exactly the next step is.  I'm ok with surgery because I'm that guy who does everything my doctor tells me to do and I actually like going to physical therapy.  Another motivation to get this fixed is that I can't do some things I love to do like kayaking, weight lifting and even yoga hurts SOMETIMES.

Pain and depression are one in the same if you think about it.  You can't have one without the other.