Clickless Class Reunion

Well the 25th Class of 88 Reunion was Saturday night and it was so much fun.  I got to see all my friends from high school and I even talked to a bunch of people I hadn't even talked to K-12 just because I never had classes with them or we were just in different clicks.

One thing I've noticed this past weekend is that 25 must be the magic year.  Most people had forgotten about any high school grudges, conflicts and any fights over old boyfriends or girlfriends.  I think we are all at the age that things like that just don't seem to matter anymore. It was all about catching up, seeing pictures of kids, reliving old memories and thinking about those that could not make it.

I have a crowd anxiety issue.  I developed it in the past couple of years.  I didn't have any of those issues this past weekend but I'm sure it's because I knew everyone in the place.  One really neat thing that happened is that I learned some people from back home are reading this blog and commented to me about issues some relatives have had with depression, anxiety amd ADHD .  It really does help to know that you aren't the only person having these issues.  It brings comfort being able to talk to someone openly who understands what they are going through.  It made me realize that I need to keep up on this blog a little better.

With every high school reunion there will always be that one person that you can't bring yourself to talk to because of what ever issues you had with them in high school. In my case there was someone I couldn't talk to because of issues that arose from a past reunion.  Reunions right after high school are the worst because people haven't forgotten past hurts and it's easy to still hold a grudge.  This particular person said something to me that is still hard to over come but I'm working on it.

My bully didn't show up this year and I guess that's ok.  While I would have been cordial and polite there are still parts of me that want to tell this person how much the bullying really screwed me up.  I guess since I'm older and have gotten help for all those years of bullying, there is really no point in drudging up past transgressions.  Most people change.  Some don't.  I can only hope this person has changed.

If you are the type of person who revels in catching up with old friends than I suggest going to your class reunions.  If you're the type that would like to see old freinds but still hold alot of grudges than I suggest going but just keeping you thoughts to yourself.  People are there to have a good time and catch up.  Like I said to someone who wasn't going because of something that someone said to them in the fall of 1986, "Well I'm 42.  I'm going to go and have fun.  I'll catch up with you later."

Reunited cuz if feels so good...

This weekend is my 25th High School Class Reunion.  It's so hard to believe I'm 42. Remember when you were 16 and you thought 30 was so, so old?  I thought 40 must be ancient.  

I grew up with young parents.  My mom and dad were in their 30's when I was in high school. I guess that's why 30 seemed to sold to me.  After all, aren't all our parents old and grumpy when we're 16?

I've heard alot of people dread their class reunions.  I've also heard that by the time you get here to 25 years, everyone seems to have grown out of their "clicks" and have stopped trying to impress each other.  Well, not me.  I mean I like to stay in shape an all but I have to say I worked out extra hard in the last few weeks.  I was still recovering from neck surgery and I was in that stinking gym.  

I also worked out hard because I found out something about myself.  I need a target.  I need a target day or week or year to strive for or else I won't do it.  If I know I have some place to be, or something to do for acting or going on vacation, I will hit the gym and hit it hard!

42 really snuck up on me.  I think it's because I don't feel 42.  I feel more like 32.  Hell, even 22 but then that's probably because I really just a big kid.  I have dogs because I probably couldn't take care of a kid.  If you forget to feed the dog, you can just feed him later.  I hear kids like to eat.  And more than once a day.  

I'm sure this reunion will be a blast.  I'm looking forward to seeing tons of people I haven't seen in a very long time.  I think I'm going to have to break my bed time of 11:00.  God I'm getting old.

Ding Dong DOMA's Dead

OH MY GOD!!!  I'm just overwhelmed with happiness and gratitude that today, June 26, 2013, we have prevailed over DOMA and Prop 8.  It's official and it's about time.  The days of conservative, theocratic laws dictating how I live my life and who I share my life with are OVER!

Just 38 more states to go and every one will be equal through out the country.  They will fall quickly because what we are about to see is court case after court case of gays and lesbians sueing their respective states that don't allow gay marriage and don't recognize gay marriages from states that allow it.  One by one they will fall and will be dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century.

Starting immediately the military will begin work to allow same sex benefits to members that serve. I never thought I would ever see the day.  Not in my life time. Maybe not for another generation.  It's happened now and it really feels good.

Being told all your life that you are less than, that you don't matter, that your relationships aren't valid, all those years of watching parents treat the gay kid different then their straight siblings, constantly being reminded that you're second class and that nothing you do or say matters, it wasn't all for nothing.
Suddenly everything seems a little more brighter up ahead.  Just the fact that I don't have to worry about anything if something should happen to me or him.  It really takes a weight off my shoulders.

It sure seems awful for people who don't understand and probably will never understand.  Just know that it's all alright.  It's ok.  Change is good.  Progress is good.  You will benefit, believe it or not, from my happiness and my rights being given to me.  It's only a good thing.  You're brimstone and fire will eventually burn out and you won't even remember what the heck the problem was.

Driver

Yah! My latest commercial finally aired last week.  It's from the Washington State Lottery.  

It was a blast to do and I got to drive a Nascar....for about 20 yards.  I was supposed to drive it further but I guess the owner didn't appreciate me burning out is clutch.  Oh I know how to drive a stick.  However, have you ever driven a Nascar?  It's not anything like driving a regular car.  I have a new found respect for Nascar drivers.  Not enough respect to actually waste time watching a race but enough to appreciate how they can actually drive one of those things.  #noteasy 

It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A

Today was my first "workout" since my surgery on May 22.  I put workout in quotation marks because I did 20 minutes of cardio on a recumbent bike at the YMCA.  Not just any recumbent bike mind you.  A recumbent bike with cable TV built into it.  Thank. God.

I've gained alot of weight in the past month.  Too much Costco vanilla ice cream.  Hey don't judge me! I couldn't swallow anything for the first week.  The other three weeks was just a "weaning off" period.

Doing time on the recumbent bike made me remember why I HATE cardio machines.  I mean you're not going anywhere.  The scenery never changes.  People never wipe down the machines when they're through so it's a guessing game on whether or not your machine is a petri dish of creepy, crawly bacteria. I wipe it down before AND after thank you very much.

Until I am back in the land of the living and out running on the streets and half-marathons, I am a slave to the dreaded recumbent bike or elliptical machine.  The only saving grace is the TV.  If there is anything decent on, time seems to just fly by.  There are times though that I think there must be a secret plot to brainwash me into watching FOX NEWS. I say this because sometimes it the one of the only channels that work.  It is the YMCA after all, Young Men's Christian Organization.  Do you know how many people don't know that's what YMCA stands for?  You would be surprised.

 Recently the YMCA changed there name to just simply The Y.  What am I working out at the Young? What does the Y stand for if it's not Young? Yo-Yo? I mean that would work for "yo-yo dieters.  Yuck? As in, "yuck I hate to workout!"  WAIT!  It must stand for YOGA!  Now that makes me feel a whole lot better about going to workout at a place where they are trying to hide their politics in order to sign more members.  Bravo Y!





I know I'm ranting.  Ranting is what I do when I've been cooped up for 4 weeks with a hot, nasty neck brace on that feels like a wool scarf in the middle of August.

I'm just happy I get to start getting back in the gym and losing this recovery weight.  My goal is to be below 185 my the end of July.  The end of July you ask?  Why its my 25th class reunion of course.  Vanity.  Such a great motivator.

Wait for it ladies.  Someday.

I worry I worry too much about worrying.

The one thing I have learned over the past year since I came out of the "depression closet" is the number of people who are afflicted with the same depression issues that I have been having.

I'm not talking about being sad or depressed because you lost your pet or you got fired or maybe ended a relationship.  I'm talking about clinical depression.  The kind that, even on my happiest "up day," I'm still hiding behind a mask where I am holding back tears, fears and sadness.

I've started going to a psychologist who treats anxiety.  She told me that when ever I'm with her in session, I need to not have my mask on.  She wants to see the real me and not the happy mask I wear when I'm out and about.  I'm pretty serious about trying to get help so I'm good about letting my guard down around her.  I'm positive that's the reason why I'm an actor.  I'm more comfortable playing someone else than being myself.

The amount of people I see and meet on a daily basis who also struggle with clinical depression and anxiety always surprises me.  For the most part I can actually tell from meeting someone.  From time to time I meet someone who is suffering from anxiety that I had no idea was.  It's kind of like when I see or meet another gay guy for the first time.  Sometimes I meet a "hundred footer." That is someone who is very flamboyant, stereotypical and I can usually spot them from a one hundred feet away.  Sometimes there are the ones that are not a stereotype and I would have never known they were gay had it not come up in conversation.

I have friends and family who have the same issues I have and have found a comfort in talking to them because I know exactly what they are going through.  It always helps to talk to someone who has been in your shoes.

My anxiety issues are slowly coming to the surface.  I have never really considered what I have as an anxiety disorder simply because I've never known anyone, who I knew, had it.  My anxiety seems to stem from my childhood (like everything seems to) and I'm just now realizing it.  I'm not a victim.  I don't like that term.  I don't even like the term "survivor." Shit happens.  Shit happens to you in life and it's how you deal with that shit that determines what will happen to you in the rest of your life.

Some people turn to religion to get them through life's crap.  Some people turn to other people.  Some turn to drugs or alcohol.  I envy the ones that can just take crap, throw it aside and move to a higher plane.  To each his own I say.  If religion helps you, so be it.  If you need to turn to a loved one or a counselor, fine.  Whatever you need to do to get through life's trials by all mean, what works for you, works.  Just know that if you turn to negative alternatives, i.e. drugs, alcohol, porn, anger, rage or creating drama, just know the choices you make directly affect what will happen next.  It affects your family, friends and co-workers.  The situation you are in today is a direct correlation of the decisions you made yesterday.

I made really bad choices growing up and blames everyone else.  I grew up religious and could never really grasp the notion that it could help me.  I had to find something else that made me sit up and  really see.  For everyone it's different.

I'm seeing a shrink and a psychiatrist because that's what works for me.  Working on my issues with someones else and taking meds that help me get to where i need to be works for me. Find what works for you.  Find what makes you comfortable.  Find what makes you want to be a better person.  Find it and stick with it.

Can't wait to not fart in yoga class.

Pathetic Me

What a beautiful day!  Thanks to Kathy and Sharon for taking me to lunch at Nedshed #9.  It was really good.  The weather was beautiful.  The company was great.   I felt like shit.  I sat in the sun for an hour and that probably was the culprit.

This pic pretty much sums up the way I feel today, almost 2 weeks post neck surgery.  I've used up my pain meds and now I'm running on muscle relaxers and Lunesta. Tomorrow is my 2 week post-op follow up.  I don't know where I stand but all I know is that is sucks.

The pain is centered between my shoulder blades and lower neck.  I can't wait until I can have a good night sleep without this damn collar.

Good news is that I am so ready to get back to exercising.  I miss doing yoga so much.  I feel like I will starting from scratch and won't know what the hell I'm doing.  Keeping a fart in during class will be the easiest part of that hour.

I MISS RUNNING!!! It's June and the weather is being spectacular. High of 72 and blue sky.  I see people running and riding their bikes along the road and I want to open my door and take em out. Not kill, just maim.

Ok, these meds are making me a little nuts...or maybe it's a lack there of that's making me nuts.

Whatever it is I plead the 5th.