Super depressed to super healthy

I'm feeling a little super lately.  I've got my body to the point where I can pull off this Underarmour Superman shirt without looking too flabby.  For a 42 year old who a year ago didn't think he could get back into shape after a back surgery, I'm doing ok.

My meds have been failing lately and it started to really scare me.  I could feel the "old me" coming back and I didn't want him around.  I call it my Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde mood.

My doctor changed my Adderal script last week.  My Adderal was starting to wear off too soon and I was crashing between doses.  I was up to 2 1/2 tabs a day.  I found that around 3 PM I was crashing pretty hard.  It was making spin class tough.  I would be too tired by the time class started at 5 PM and my classes were suffering.

He switched me to Vyvanse.  It's just like Adderal but it's "long acting."  That means I take one pill in the morning and it slowly keeps me level all day.  It's so nice only having to take one pill a day.

The thing about ADHD and Bi-Polar is that when your brain is working overtime and always telling you to lay down and sleep, it's very difficult not to comply.  Even though I know that it's "not real," I still can't help but do what my brain tells me.

I can always tell when my meds are failing.  For no reason at all I will become lethargic and very irritable.  I basically become an asshole.  People without depression don't understand that people with depression go through when they are depressed.  They think they know because everyone gets depressed at one time or another.  The difference is that "normal" depression is usually caused by an bad incident that happens in life or maybe a bad day at work.  When someone with clinical depression is depressed, they can't help the way they feel.  They have no particular trigger that causes the sadness.  It's just always there.  It will not go away unless they receive medical attention.  Picture your worst day and now picture that worst day happening every day.

I guess what I want people to know is that if you know someone with depression and they are cranky, sad, irritable or just not themselves, know that they can't help it.  They can't just snap out of it.

Too all those people who are depressed and don't think anything will help or feel they don't want to be on pharmaceuticals to feel normal, it's not optimal but it gets your mind to a point where you can think clearly and make it easier to come up with a game plan to find another way.  I don't want to be on meds for the rest of my life but for the time being I need to be so I can focus and get back on track.

One more thing.  Everyone out there who says someone who commits suicide is "selfish" has to remember that if that person is truly suicidal, their brain is telling that person that everything is awful, life is horrible and the pain will go away if they just go to sleep and never wake up.  I say that people who have lost someone to suicide and get mad about it are selfish because they want that person to still be alive because they can't stand the pain, the mourning process is too inconvenient to endure.  That person who died of suicide could not help what their brain was telling them.  It's like being possessed.  It's not selfish if you can't help it.  That person needed help and for whatever reason they didn't get it.  Be kind and save the "selfish" argument.  You don't know what you are talking about.