Monkey see, monkey do.

Study finds evidence that It Gets Better for gay teens

We all know that the gay teen suicide rate is higher than the heterosexual teen suicide rate. We all grew up with bullies.  I had one.  He knows who he is.  He made sophomore English hell for me.  The constant name calling, fag, queer, sissy and others I care not to try and remember.  

The anxiety I endured was, at times, unbearable.  Everyday I was petrified to go to class.  I had one friend of all the kids that sat around me that actually would try and defend me.  She knows who she is.  That was my little glimmer of hope in my little world of darkness.  

There were times when I contemplated suicide.  There were times when I almost decided to beat his face in.  I'm not a violent person and never was.  I'm the type of person that would probably hit him and then immediately apologize.  The thought of hurting another human being for any reason really does not settle well with me.

I have to imagine that most of this kid's bullying came from issues he had with his own sexuality.  I don't know if he was closeted or if he just really needed to assert his masculinity because of problems at home.  Whatever the reason he wasn't doing it for fun.

I think most of bullying is a result of bad parenting.  Kids have to learn it from somewhere.  I've never known people who are great parents to have kids that bully other kids.  Parents who have kids who bully probably bully themselves.  It's like overweight parents.  If the parents are fat, the kids are fat.  Monkey see, monkey do.

It does get better.  It got better for me but only to a point.  I was kind of an idiot in the way I handled my life once I graduated from high school. I not only tried to get married to a woman but I enlisted in the military, an organization filled with men.  Try not being gay in a world where you are surround by men all the time. Try not being gay in a job filled with homophobia, racism and sexism.  The military does great things, however, acceptance is not one of them.  I dated men but on the down low.  Bullying in the military is rampant and mainly because of the hyper-masculine environment.  My fault.  I was young and naive and didn't know how to handle my issues. 

To this day I still have problems making friends and getting close to people because of the fear of being judged and not being accepted or respected.  As I get older I have a "fuck'em all" attitude about it all but it does still make things difficult at time.  I usually have to really observe someone before I decide to let them really get to know me.

Still, it does get better. The teenage years are never easy.  All gay teens and straight teens alike just want to be loved and accepted. The worst thing to do if you find out your teen is gay is to tell them they are going to hell or even punishing them or sending them to counseling.  Counseling is fine if the kid really wants to talk about his feeling but you should NEVER send the kid to counseling to convert them back.  It won't work.  It's not "fixable."  There is nothing to fix.

Kids do what you do.  If you're an asshole chances are they are too.

The Final Countdown

3:30 pm:I'm at a Starbucks in Portland waiting to hear about a possible callback for an acting gig. I'm supposed to hear something in the next few minutes. If I don't hear anything by 4:00 pm than it's a "no."

3:35 pm: It's a really really important gig for me. It means national exposure, great acting credit for the resume and a shot at living the dream.

3:40 pm: I'm handling this better than I thought I would. I have been rejected so often in this job that it doesn't really phase me anymore. Usually. This is different though. I've never auditioned for a major television show.

3:46 pm: What to do, what to do? Waiting sucks. The thing is that I never know what the hell they are looking for when it comes to this shit. The character description was very precise yet no one else at the audition looked anything like the character break-down. It's frustrating. In the end it's going to come down to what the actor looks like.

3:51 pm: Ever wanted anything so bad you could just see it? Taste it? Smell it? How do you keep up a positive attitude with so much sadness weighing down on me like a wet blanket?

Calling it. Time of death, 3:55 pm, January 30, 2013. The dream has died.

Time to make the donuts.

I have been waking up at 530 am this week and going to the gym.  It is totally out of my comfort zone. I LOVE to sleep.  

Since I started a new job I have found that I only have time to go to the gym in the mornings.  In order for me to get out the door by 830 for work, I need to get to the 6 am spin class.

I've read that it takes 21 days to form a habit.  19 more days to go!  If I can keep this up I should see results quickly.  This is yet another way of shocking my body into change.  The only way to avoid plateau is to shake it up.  Do something different.  Just waking up early is enough for your body to say, "What the WHAT?"  It has to change and adapt to make up for it.

Time to make the donuts. 

Resolve to resolve your resolutions

One thing I have learned over my years working in gyms at the beginning of a new year is that New Year's resolutions are not a real thing.

New Year's Resolutions are a gimmick cooked up by the fitness industry to make more money. They know that every one has been eating themselves into comas during the holiday season and now are feeling remorseful for doing so.

This is the time of the year that national chain clubs are ramping up their commercial ads to get more of you to come in, sign up, and then forget about it.

I worked at a chain gym for about 5 years. They had over 10,000 members in their database. Sounds great! All those people using the gym and getting in shape. Unfortunately that's not what's going on. In reality only about one third of that 10,000 are actually using the gym.
If all 10,000 people were using the gym, you would never ever get a workout in because it would be too crowded.

The gyms are betting on the fact that most of you will not workout after you have signed up. That's how the big chains make their money. You sign up, have direct withdrawal dues taken out of your bank account each month that you forget about after a few months. You stop coming which makes more room for the gym rats and the gym still makes money off of you.

The bright side? If you are seriously considering getting into a gym membership, NOW is the time. It's true that now is the time of year when their memberships are at their lowest. Once again it's how they make their money.

Here is a hint to getting the best deal. Never go for the cheap membership. In the long run the expensive package is the best one because your monthly dues will be cheaper. The catch is that you will have to put more money down on the sign up cost. If you are serious about working out and changing your life than spend the money to get the most out of your membership.

There are private gyms that are usually more money but private gyms are not so much about quantity as they are about quality. If you want a state-of-the-art, high-end gym that will cater to you and make you feel special and you have the money than that's the way to go. If you like a down and dirty, big box with weights and type A people into seriously grueling workouts a la Crossfit, than that's your wheel house.

Find a gym that fits your lifestyle. Find one that makes you feel comfortable. Find one that's clean and find one that won't drain your bank account.

Remember: If you feel like you're not going to keep working out, cancel that membership as soon as it's legally possible. The chain gyms make tons of money off all those thousands who are still paying monthly dues and not coming because they forgot they have direct withdrawal from their bank accounts.

Happy 2013!

All I want for christmas is some relief.

December has been a rough month. I am in training for a pharmaceutical job and today is the last day of that training. I'm tired, exhausted and ready to get out of Chicago and spend the holidays with my family.

I found out some things about myself during this month long escapade of training. There was 2 weeks of home study and than 1 week of training near the corporate office. Almost from day one my energy level plummeted and I became more irritable. My desire to workout went away. My Adderal basically stopped working.

I went to see my doctor before I left for training to see if he could give me anything that would get me through this stressful week. He basically said there wasn't anything to give me. My stress level was so high it was canceling out my medications.

I had no idea that stress could cancel out the kinds of medication I am taking. I guess I took for granted that these meds would always work no matter what. It was tough the first 10 days. I really wanted to go for a run or take a spin class but I just didn't have the motivation or energy to do so. I had to finally just let go and admit that I just wasn't going to workout this month.

It's actually not a bad thing to take a break from working out. It gives your body a chance to recover and relax. Muscle has memory. Bouncing back from a month off will not be difficult. I have to keep telling myself that I'm not becoming a shadow of Jaba the Hutt.

I admit I have terrible body image issues. Two days of not working out and I feel like it's been 2 months. As a personal trainer I know that it takes 14 consecutive days of eating crap to gain 1% of body fat. It's funny how you look in the mirror and see a totally different image than everyone else sees. If anything I have lost weight this week. I've been so consumed with work and studying that I forget to eat. Body image is such a messed up concept.

This after noon I have my final certification and then it's off to my sister's house for Christmas. I will be so happy when this week is officially over.

Gun control is a side effect not a cure

A few days have passed since the massacre at Sandy Hooke Elementary School in Newtown, CT. I don't have children nor am I really planning on it. I can't even imagine what the parents and townspeople are going through right now. It's so close to Christmas and that makes everything even worse.

The national debate about gun control has come up again. It took a literal massacre of 6 and 7 year olds to begin a very serious debate. The debate shouldn't be about guns. It should be about who has them.

Almost every mass shooting that has happened in recent memory has been by a mentally ill person. Mental illness needs to be addressed in terms of gun possession and in terms of locale to guns.

I've said it many times and I'm not afraid to say it again, I would not let ME have a gun. I have bi-polar and ADHD. That combination is not a good mix in the first place. Add in a gun and you have a recipe for a very bad day. My disorders are under control with medication. Not everyone with mental illness has access to medication. The cost of these medications are astronomical and unless you have some kind of insurance, there is no way the average person can afford them.

We can pass gun legislature to make it harder for people with mental illness to possess a gun but would that really do any good? The man who took out those kids in Connecticut stole the guns from his mom. She owned them legally. She broke no laws. The thing is, a mentally ill person will find a way to do what they want to do. We can add all the laws we want but nothing can stop these people from hurting us as long as they don't have their mental issues under control.

I thought maybe we should make laws that say if a mentally ill person lives in the same house as a gun owner, the guns have to go. Not taken away mind you. Maybe stored in another location or even just make it mandatory to have a gun safe with a fingerprint identification lock. A gun that only fires with the palm print of the registered owner. The issue isn't gun control. The issue is who has access to them. If we can actually make a gun "safer" to use maybe that would solve some problems. We have the tech now to make a new breed of guns that only allow certain people to use them. If the registered owner has no mental issues, they can purchase a gun, have it coded to their unique DNA and only they can shoot it.

Maybe the issue isn't just gun legislature. Maybe the underlying issue is really healthcare. Like I said before, it's too expensive for the average person to seek help for mental issues, let alone any medical issue. What do we expect to happen if all these people with mental disorders are obviously not getting the help they need ?

I propose Universal Healthcare ONLY for people with mental issues. Serious mental issues. At this point it is becoming everyone's problem. We can ignore the homeless guy on the corner who talks to himself and yells at you as you walk by. He's not hurting you. His existence doesn't affect you. Now if that homeless person was constantly going around killing adults and children, that person has now put you and your family in danger. Mental illness has now put all of us in danger. It can not be ignored any longer. It has now come into your backyard.

As long as our healthcare system only services the rich and people who can obtain really good insurance through their jobs, we will be plagued with more of these shootings. I can say that I did not have my disorders controlled for most of my life. It's only been recently that I have received help because I could not afford to see a doctor. If I didn't have a good job I would not be able to pay for my 4 medications.

Let me tell you how someone with bi-polar and depression sees things. Their brain tells them that everything is doom and gloom. Their anxiety levels rise for now good reason. Standing in line at the grocery store can set them off into a temper tantrum that would make the average person scratch their heads wondering what the hell is wrong with that person? The depression is exhausting. They're tired all the time, day or night, for no reason. Sleeping all day is a common occurrence. This is not something someone can just snap out of. This is about brain chemistry and electrical impulses and misfiring synapses. It's things we can can't control without the aid of medication and counseling.

Why do all these guys commit suicide after they kill? They were planning on it anyway. This is how they are going out. I hate it when people say that suicide is selfish. It's not selfish, it's a necessity. People who are really suicidal can't help being suicidal. It's brain chemistry gone awry. You can say they are only thinking about themselves. But it's not the same as you think it is. They are thinking about how to make the pain and the depression go away. They are also thinking about the people who love them in a different way. They are thinking that with their death, the lives of their loved ones will only be better. They want you to be relieved of their burden on you. If anything is selfish it's stable people who don't understand the mental issue and that the person with the disorder needs help and then don't help them and afterwards wonder why the shit hit the proverbial fan. It's help that they don't know they need sometimes. It's that person who is negative and just seems mad at the world. They don't know they are ill. They just think this is life and life sucks.

You might say that if we give free healthcare to the mentally ill than we will have to give it to everyone. Last I checked someone with the flu or even cancer wasn't shooting up 1st grade classes with an automatic rifle. It has affected all of us now. If we can't get rid of guns, we have to get rid of the illness that causes these shootings. Let's start trying to cure the disease by taking out the symptoms that cause it in the first place.

I heard a young girl on the radio the other day say that she actually targets the loners and the strange kids at school to be extra nice to them. She says hello to them. She tries to converse with them. Why? She said because in the event those loners ever decide to go on a killing spree she hopes that when he points the gun at her, he will see her face and remember she was kind to him and maybe he will spare her life. That's not the kind of things a teenager should be worrying about.

13.1 is my new chapter and verse.

-Marathon #2-done and done.

Seattle Marathon, Sunday Nov.25, 2012

Beautiful crisp winter day 

I finished in 2:06, 30 minutes faster than my first half back in September 25th. 

I feel very very good about it.  I can't believe I finished it.  The first 4 miles sucked.  The middle was very hilly. Mile 10 got easier and my mile 12 I was on fire!

Thanks to all my friends and family who sent me congratulations.  Some of you were great inspirations and I get the chance to inspire you guys too.  For example: A friend of mine asked me what I did to train for my half-marathons.  This was my response.

"Well what I do is something very simple. I find a race I want to run and then register immediately. That way I've paid for it and that tricks my head into thinking I have to do it because I already paid for it. It's the only way for me to follow though on the commitment if I have already paid for it. I don't like to waste money.

Buy new shoes. Replace them every 300 miles. Buy a new pair right before your race. Throw your training shoes away.

It takes about 2-3 months to train for a half marathon. Pick a date and make that your goal.

Baby steps. Use that app, mapmyrun and it will help you by telling you when to run, how far and how long.

As far as losing weight goes. The running will help tons but as a personal trainer I can tell you that losing weight is 80% of what you eat. Eating clean is the only way to do it. Cut out sugar, bread, sweets, pop and eat healthy. The more you workout the more calories you have to eat. They should be healthy calories though.

Water, clean food and a steady, consistent schedule is the way to go. The best way to start is to find someone who is trying to do the same thing you are. Someone to run with make the training go by faster and is good for motivation and inspiration.

When it's shitty outside you gotta run. It sucks but you got to do it.

I would love to start a running club in the harbor. Train with people to do half marathons.

Start slow, start easy and make a goal. It will really set you on the right direction."

Easy squeezy.  Anyone can do this.  If i did it anyone can do it.  You feel like shit when you start this journey and then you feel like Superman when you complete each and every race.  It's euphoric!

Here are some pics of my Seattle Marathon race adventure.

view from my hotel room

 Goofy

Holy Crap!  All those people

My running partner, Ashley

Rebecca and Ashley and me

I liked my race chip on my shoe

They gave us cool medals

The Space Needle in the foggy morning after the race.

Ashley is a machine!

Day view from my hotel on my way home.