Helpless in Seattle and bat shit crazy

Helpless in Seattle

Kimberly and I at a photo shoot

Have you ever felt completely helpless?  You want to help but you don't know how?  You want to make a difference but you just don't know how? 

This is how I've been feeling since this past wednesday when my friend Kimberly was taken away from us.  What hurts the most is the manner in which she died.  She didn't have cancer.  She didn't have an accident. She didn't die of old age.  She died drinking coffee in a cafe. 

It's sad when anyone dies for any reason but when someone dies in the most horrendous way imaginable, at the hands of a maniac, for some reason it makes it even worse.  I think it's because we empathize, we can see ourselves in the victim's place.  It could have easily been any of us.  These situation are unpredictable.  They can happen anytime, anywhere.  At no fault of your own you can be gunned down while your doing the most ordinary mundane routine in your day.  

Too mad to be angry.

Should I be mad at the man who took all those innocent lives that day?  Should I be mad at the family of that man who said they knew this was going to happen some day?  Should I be mad at a gun law loophole that allows mentally ill patients to buy handguns when there is no data telling the seller that this person is mentally ill? 

Forgive and Forget but always Remember.

What good would any of that do for me?  Yes I'm mad for all those reasons but I can't stay angry about it. Those kind of thoughts can fester and slowly kill you like a cancer.  If I constantly think about how much I hate a person for taking a friend's life I would be as bad a person as he was.  That kind of energy should not be wasted on things that have happened, that you can't do anything about.  Hating a person will not bring anyone back from the dead.  The time and energy spent trying to figure out ways  to evoke revenge in order to make yourself feel better about a friend dying is time and energy being misplace that could be used for something positive.  Revenge and bad thoughts are negative energy.  Forgiveness is the ultimate high.  I will not be angry at this man.  I have forgiven him.  It does no good to do otherwise.

Guns save lives...unless you're bat shit crazy.

I'm not a gun person.  I've had to shoot them to qualify when I was in the Air Force but I'm just not into them.  After the Virginia Tech shootings I had a cop friend of mine take me to a shooting range because I wanted to see what is was like to shoot a hand gun like the one used in that shooting.  It's a dark twisted idea but I just had to know what it's like to have that much power in my hand.  I tried it.  It was interesting.  I don't need to do it again.  I am all for gun rights.  I think anyone should be able to own a gun as long as they are not hurting anybody else.  HOWEVER, I feel there should be an exception for mentally ill people. This man was bi-polar and possibly schizophrenic. He shouldn't have had access to buy a gun.

I feel like I can say that because I'm bi-polar and have ADD.  I would never want a person like ME to ever have a gun.  I'm on medication that keeps me normal but if ever I wasn't on meds, it would not be a good idea to arm me.  I don't know if this man was on meds or not.  I'm assuming not.  

It's clear that this loophole needs to be closed but without infringing on gun rights for stable people.  

Reasonably reasonable.

People say everything happens for a reason.  I believe this whole heartedly.  It's horrible that bad things have to happen for a reason.  Usually that IS how it happens however.  What ever the reason is, it's different for everybody.  The reason could be to address gun law loopholes.  The reason could be spending time with friends you haven't seen in a while.  The reason could be to say I love you to your loved one before they leave for the day.  A million different reasons for a million different people stem from one horrible day in a quiet cafe in Seattle, Washington.  I have to keep telling myself, "this sucks.  it really really sucks.  but what am i learning from this.  What will i do differently from now on because of this?"  

Move forward, learn from the past.