Glass Feet
I had a full day. I'm still currently FUNemployed so I had a morning of spin class, dog park, yoga, a lunch date and kayaking. All in all it was a pretty perfect day. Energy levels are good. Positive thoughts are pumping. Feeling more healthy every day.
Starting next week I am going to be teaching spin class at my local YMCA. I am a certified spinning instructor and took a few years off and now I'm ready to get back in the saddle. I've found that with my new meds I am again in love with the things I used to love to to. Depression can make you burn out and become disinterested in things you would normally feel passionate about.
I want a Do-Over.
I wish I had started taking these meds years ago. I'm sure my life would be so much different than it is now. I would have made better decisions and probably would be in a better career field or at least IN a career. I realize that I learned everything the hard way. Dealing with depression and bi-polar made it difficult and I accepted that those two things were always going to be in my life and I had to learn to live with it. If I had had these meds earlier I feel I would be living my passion and not feel like I wasted so much time.
That's why you get paid the big bucks.
The day my shrink prescribed Adderal he asked me about an upcoming job interview I was going to be attending that week. He asked me if I wanted the job. I said no.
He lifted his eyebrow and asked, "why not?"
I said, "Well yes I want the income but I don't want this particular job."
He asked me again, "Why not?"
I squirmed in my seat. "I feel anxious about my sales job. I'm anxious because I go into these offices and I know the doctor knows 100 times more than I do. They may not know everything about your product but they know everything about the disease state you are selling to. I feel insecure, intimidated and stupid because I can't retain any of the product knowledge. I felt like a liar and a fraud. I don't know why I can't retain anything. I've had this problem all more life. It goes into my brain and out the trap door.
He smiled. "Rex, that is A.D.D. You can't focus. You can't retain knowledge because your brain is thinking about a million different things at once. You memorize for the test and then it goes away. Don't you think that if you could focus, become less anxious that maybe, just maybe you would actually enjoy being a pharmaceutical rep?"
HOLY SHIT! I've heard of "a-ha" moments but this was a "watchu talking bout Willis?" moment. I had wasted the last 5 years of a career just squeaking by because of a problem I really didn't know I had or understood. I thought I was just slow.
He lifted his eyebrow and asked, "why not?"
I said, "Well yes I want the income but I don't want this particular job."
He asked me again, "Why not?"
I squirmed in my seat. "I feel anxious about my sales job. I'm anxious because I go into these offices and I know the doctor knows 100 times more than I do. They may not know everything about your product but they know everything about the disease state you are selling to. I feel insecure, intimidated and stupid because I can't retain any of the product knowledge. I felt like a liar and a fraud. I don't know why I can't retain anything. I've had this problem all more life. It goes into my brain and out the trap door.
He smiled. "Rex, that is A.D.D. You can't focus. You can't retain knowledge because your brain is thinking about a million different things at once. You memorize for the test and then it goes away. Don't you think that if you could focus, become less anxious that maybe, just maybe you would actually enjoy being a pharmaceutical rep?"
HOLY SHIT! I've heard of "a-ha" moments but this was a "watchu talking bout Willis?" moment. I had wasted the last 5 years of a career just squeaking by because of a problem I really didn't know I had or understood. I thought I was just slow.
My last manager had a long talk with me at the beginning of our last quarter of the last contract I was on. She told me that if she had met me that day, she wouldn't have hired me. She said my product knowledge was horrible and I was not fit to be in the field. That hurt so bad. It's didn't so much hurt my feelings as it hurt that I had let her down. She was an amazing manager and I let her down. She had a lower view of me now and I didn't like it. I told her I was having problems with depression and retaining knowledge. She told me that I should think about getting tested for A.D.D. I worked my ass off the remainder of the quarter and she told me she was proud to see that I had improved. I had turned myself around. However, the chances of being hired by her again are nil.
I took her advice and went to see a doctor who sent me to a psychiatrist. It's the best thing I've ever done and the best advice I ever took. She will never know what great changes are taking place but that was a lesson learned. I had to almost get fired in order to get better.
Universe. You funny, ironic son-of-a-bitch.
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