The one thing I have learned over the past year since I came out of the "depression closet" is the number of people who are afflicted with the same depression issues that I have been having.
I'm not talking about being sad or depressed because you lost your pet or you got fired or maybe ended a relationship. I'm talking about clinical depression. The kind that, even on my happiest "up day," I'm still hiding behind a mask where I am holding back tears, fears and sadness.
I've started going to a psychologist who treats anxiety. She told me that when ever I'm with her in session, I need to not have my mask on. She wants to see the real me and not the happy mask I wear when I'm out and about. I'm pretty serious about trying to get help so I'm good about letting my guard down around her. I'm positive that's the reason why I'm an actor. I'm more comfortable playing someone else than being myself.
The amount of people I see and meet on a daily basis who also struggle with clinical depression and anxiety always surprises me. For the most part I can actually tell from meeting someone. From time to time I meet someone who is suffering from anxiety that I had no idea was. It's kind of like when I see or meet another gay guy for the first time. Sometimes I meet a "hundred footer." That is someone who is very flamboyant, stereotypical and I can usually spot them from a one hundred feet away. Sometimes there are the ones that are not a stereotype and I would have never known they were gay had it not come up in conversation.
I have friends and family who have the same issues I have and have found a comfort in talking to them because I know exactly what they are going through. It always helps to talk to someone who has been in your shoes.
My anxiety issues are slowly coming to the surface. I have never really considered what I have as an anxiety disorder simply because I've never known anyone, who I knew, had it. My anxiety seems to stem from my childhood (like everything seems to) and I'm just now realizing it. I'm not a victim. I don't like that term. I don't even like the term "survivor." Shit happens. Shit happens to you in life and it's how you deal with that shit that determines what will happen to you in the rest of your life.
Some people turn to religion to get them through life's crap. Some people turn to other people. Some turn to drugs or alcohol. I envy the ones that can just take crap, throw it aside and move to a higher plane. To each his own I say. If religion helps you, so be it. If you need to turn to a loved one or a counselor, fine. Whatever you need to do to get through life's trials by all mean, what works for you, works. Just know that if you turn to negative alternatives, i.e. drugs, alcohol, porn, anger, rage or creating drama, just know the choices you make directly affect what will happen next. It affects your family, friends and co-workers. The situation you are in today is a direct correlation of the decisions you made yesterday.
I made really bad choices growing up and blames everyone else. I grew up religious and could never really grasp the notion that it could help me. I had to find something else that made me sit up and really see. For everyone it's different.
I'm seeing a shrink and a psychiatrist because that's what works for me. Working on my issues with someones else and taking meds that help me get to where i need to be works for me. Find what works for you. Find what makes you comfortable. Find what makes you want to be a better person. Find it and stick with it.
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