All pain. No gain.

I recently find out I have Degenerative Disc Disease.  I've already had surgery to fix a ruptured disc in my lower back and now I have a bulging disc in my neck along with sever stenosis.

What does that feel like?  It feels like someone is constantly jabbing an ice pic into my shoulder over and over again all day long.  The neck pain radiates from my cervical spine, down my right shoulder, into my right arm and into my right hand.  My hand is constantly numb and tingling making it hard to drive or even sign my name.  My forearm feels like it is in a vice that is tightening more and more every day.  My tricep and bicep throb with pain.  It's not the most fun.

Solutions? I've had two cortisone injections that have not had any effect.  I've been in physical therapy for over a month which helps for a few hours and relieves some stress but the pain comes back after a while.  I tried massage and that had no help either.  I believe the next step is surgery.  From what I understand, the surgeon cuts in and burrows out the nerve canal to relieve stress on the nerve.

How does this affect someone with depression?  IT SUCKS.  The pain is so intense that coping with everyday life is a constant challenge.  The constant state of being uncomfortable makes me irritable, agitated, impatient and basically a real dick.

I've had to walk out of stores and other public places where I can't deal with the people around me.  Luckily I'm aware of when I'm starting to feel this way and can get out before I unintentionally lash out at whomever is in my path.  It makes me sound like a crazy person but I swear I'm not.

Right now as I type this I am constantly stopping to shake out my hand to get feeling back into my fingers.  Little things like finishing expense reports and answering emails has become so painful that at times I get nauseous.

The moral of the story?  I didn't know that pain can make one even more depressed than they already were.  Pain can actually turn off my depression and mood meds.  The depression can become so debilitating that I can't even cope with the simple things in life.  I even have lost patients with my dogs. What the hell can be worse than not being able to cope with the unconditional love of a dog??

I'm awaiting a return call from my neurosurgeon as to what exactly the next step is.  I'm ok with surgery because I'm that guy who does everything my doctor tells me to do and I actually like going to physical therapy.  Another motivation to get this fixed is that I can't do some things I love to do like kayaking, weight lifting and even yoga hurts SOMETIMES.

Pain and depression are one in the same if you think about it.  You can't have one without the other.